Do you really think that Bella made the proper choice with Edward or are you more of a Jacob guy?
*cracks knuckles and searched for can opener*
Squeak, squeak, squeak, clunk
OK, that’s that opened, let’s answer this one.
You are, of course, referring the central love triangle in the publishing phenomenon and purveyor of “Our Vampires Are Different” par excellence Twilight.
For the uninitiated let’s take a quick yomp through the series shall we? There will be spoilers here but, by this point, either you already know all this or you don’t care and are hoping I’ll get back to talking about Newton or something so it’s all a wash (but stick around there’s pictures of pretty people for all tastes throughout!).
So there’s this girl by the name of Isabella Swan
Mope, pout, mope
who moves from nice sunny and dry Phoenix AZ to the oh so gloomy and damp Forks WA. She mopes about for a bit before the site of the oh so GORGEOUS Edward Cullen
Mope, pout, glisten like an overzealous stripper, mope
actually she’s still mopey and sullen but now she’s horny as well.
Edward for his part seems not terribly interested in her but eventually they do hook up. Bella (she drops the first three letters, it’s what her pant wettingly lovely boyf prefers) loves Edward because, er, hmm, because he’s a big old slab of red hot (well cold as the grave) man meat, figuratively speaking.
Edward loves Bella because, er, hmm, because she’s a big old slab of girl flesh, literarily speaking, this is because Edward has a secret. “What might that secret be?” you ask. Well let’s look at the clues.
He’s Icy Cold
He mopes about a lot
He Avoids Direct Sunlight
That’s right Edward is Emo, no wait Edward is a vampire (and also Emo). Edward’s not one of yer common or garden solitary vampires though, oh no, the town of Forks and the surrounding area is lousy with the buggers, along with other things that I’ll get to in a moment. Some of them like Alice:
Are nice and friendly and constitute Edwards pseudo family. Others, like James
Are right nasty basts that are best avoided. The trouble is that is easier said than done and wouldn’t you know it, Jimmy decides that Bella would look quite good stuffed and mounted above his mantelpiece or something like that.
Well the friendly neighbourhood vampires won’t stand for that will they? Of course not, so of Bella goes to Phoenix again. This does not work except in a very Pyrrhic kind of way. Anyway, half-dead and back in Forks, Bella goes to prom with Eddie.
Herein endeth the first book
A little while goes by and it’s time for Bella to be of legal age and so Edward does what any man dating a woman a fifth of his age or less would do, and throws her a birthday party. The trouble with parties is that there tend to be presents and those tend to be wrapped in paper, sharp, sharp, finger-cutting paper.
Having discovers that Vampires are even less pleasant to have around a paper cut than lemon juice, Edward decides that it’ll be safer for Bella if he and his family up sticks and skedaddle leaving her all alone in Forks.
“Sorry that my brother tried to kill you love but we’re all buggering off, see ya!” is not the best 18th birthday present ever, slightly better than the one Buffy Summers received from her undead paramour but still iffy all told I’m sure you’ll agree.
Naturally this sends Bella on a bit of a decline, one that is elevated by doing all sorts of extreme, sorry EXTREEEEEM sporting (and other) activities and through the friendship of Jacob Black
Jacob is nice and friendly and really into Bella but, wouldn’t you know it?, Jacob has a secret. “What is his secret?” I hear you cry. Well let’s look at the clues:
He’s possessed of luxuriant hair.
He’s really quite buff in a feral kind of way
The Moon is very important to him
Yes Jacob is a member of a medium weight metal band from the late ‘70s, no, wait, Werewolf, that’s what Jacob is.
Wolfboy Luvsa Girl
Poor Bella she simply can’t move on from her “dating the undead” phase can she?, no wonder she’s so grumpy. Still it has its advantages especially since Jacob and his pals can help protect Bella from the ticked-offedness of Victoria, erstwhile main squeeze James
Nice hair, holds a grudge
Ok so while she’s stringing the loup-garou along Bella is still partaking in enough extreme activities to warrant a promotional contract with Oakley shades including the oh so fun sport of cliff diving.
This causes a bit of kefuffle when Alice hs a vision of the end of one such dive and decides it’s actually a vision of Bella trying to top herself.
A-dor-able! If a little dense.
Naturally Alice let’s Edward know about this and, rather than perhaps going back to convince Bella that hey, killing oneself isn’t the best plan ever, instead responds with “hmm sounds like a plan” and decides that he’ll head over to sunny Italy to get offed by the ruling clique of all things vampiric. Luckily for the poor wee bugger, Alice and Bella manage to stop him only to have the Vampiric Idol judges tell them “Yeah dog this Human Vampire love thing is only aiight with me, maybe you should come back when the chick is either dead or undead”
“Sounds like a plan” mutters Bella.
Here endeth the second book.
Oh hush vampire Willow, you don’t even appear in this vampire franchise, you’re in a bet.. another one.
She has a point though so lets see if we can speed this up a bit.
Blah blah “You can’t see the werewolf” yakity schmackity “he’s just a friend” blah blah “I’m going to disable your vehicle so you can see him” ho hum hey ho “you’re so right, what was I thinking” oh and “bwahahaha army of evil vampires spawned due to long held grudge” and we’re walking, we’re walking “bye bye Vicky”
Here endeth the third book.
The last one is spilit into three parts:
Parte the firste
“I now pronounce you human and inhuman monster”
“FINALY, let’s shag!”
“Uh you won’t like it”
“Oh go on”
“Alrighty then, but don’t say I didn’t warn you”
“Of course now le……………………..”
one black-out later
Parte the seconde
“Dude this Vamp-human hybrid thing, it ain’t right”
“Yeah let’s kill it before it grows”
“Dudes!!! That’s the kid of the girl who I’m majorly crushing on! That’s it I’m done with you asses, don’t worry Bella I’ll save yoooooooooou!”
“Er, kind of busy right now, what with the bone shattering and the blood losing and OHMYGODTHEPAIN”
“Hang on let’s see if a little dab o’venom will do ya”
“Ooooh, babies is sexy!”
“Let’s fail at the first major step of being parent and give the brat a name that destines her for the pole”
Might as well pop to Toys R Us; Renesmee’ll be needing this
Parte the thirde
“Oooh being a Vampire is great and having a self-aware hybrid abomination certainly beats sitting the little one in front of Baby Einstein for hours on end”
“Yes, about that, I think you know what we’re about to say, don’t you?”
“No but look she’s not illegal merely monstrously horrifying”
“Yeah you didn’t say nothin’ about no hybrid abonminations, just venomed up littl’uns”
“And look here’s a chimerical monster from back in the day, say hello Brazilian rainforest dude”
“Oh, ok that’s alright then, you’ve failed us for the last time Starscr… Irina, take her away”
“Sorry about that unplesentness, fancy joining our club of snooty toffs?”
And they all lived (or unlived I suppose) happily and creepily ever after.
OK so that’s the whole series summarized let’s think about the question.
Generally, when having to choose between two options it’s often helpful to consider the pros and cons, so we’ll do that:
• He’s pretty
• He sparkles
• He’s really nice to look at
• Did I mention he’s pretty?
• He’s icy cold to the touch.
• He makes it clear that his passion for Bella is actually a sublimation of his desire to eat her.
• His response to hearing his erstwhile girlfriend is thinking about suicide is to follow her lead.
• He stalks said girlfriend and then, when she expresses interest in seeing another boy, acts in ways that would normally send a woman running to the nearest court for a protection order.
• He’s friendly and helpful when Bella is feeling down
• He’s attractive and physically fit
• He protects Bella without having tangentially endangered her in the first place.
• He seems to share the poet Swinburnes unsavory fascination with babies
• OK that might be explained in the book by some sort of imprinting mechanism but considering what another of his ilk did to the one he’d imprinted on, this is not a reassuring explanation.
• He’s a “nice guy”
Hmm, yeah, not exactly a great set of recommendations really. I really think that Bella might have made a better choice had she chosen neither of the boys on offer.
I mean truly, if Bella simply had to end up with one of the undead there is a much better choice right there in from of her:
That’s right Alice. After all, Alice isn’t gloomy or mopey, actually seems to enjoy being a vampire and she and Bella get on terribly well.
Plus we’ve known since at least 1872 that vampire woman and human girl is a fascinating combination, and by “fascinating” I of course mean hot.